Why telling people you disagree with to go to Pakistan is not a bright idea

Not many of you know this, but I have been trying to become an extremist nut job of the right-wing persuasion for a long time. Something about the cultish nature of the fringe appeals to me. My progress in this respect has been a series of ups and downs but I have recently had an epiphany which I would like to share with you.

To go back to the beginning, I have always been patriotic. When I got my first phone, I set my caller tune to ‘Nanha munha rahi hoon, desh ka sipahi hoon, bolo mere sang…’. I wanted to join the Army but when I was told that they wake you up at 4 AM, I thought I could serve my country better in other ways.

So I have been doing whatever I can in my own small capacity. I thought the key responsibility was to be on the lookout for anti-nationals. So whenever anyone did things which could be construed as anti-national, I told them to go to Pakistan. One day, I was driving back from home and I stopped at a red light. There, I spotted this old lady begging on the road. All was okay until I noticed that she tapped her dirty fingers on the window of an Innova in which sat a male foreigner of vaguely Caucasian origin. This angered me. She was clearly bringing shame to our country and lowering our proud reputation in the international arena. I immediately took action. I sprung out of my car, walked up to her and said, “Go to Pakistan!”. I then looked at the foreigner and shook my head to indicate that this kind of behavior is not normally tolerated in our beautiful, recently swept and mopped land. To my surprise, he rolled his window down and said in Delhi-accented Hindi “****c*od, tera problem kya hai?” I wanted to explain to him that there was a misunderstanding but the light turned green and he drove off.

I was troubled by the incident. Upon reflection, I realized that he was upset at me because as a fellow Indian he felt that I had not shown enough resolve in dealing with the beggar lady. I decided then and there that I had to do better and I waited for the opportunity to show my nationalistic fervor again. It took a long time coming. I finally got my chance on February 14. A coworker who I have now unfriended on Facebook, asked me what plans I had for Valentine’s day. I looked at him sternly and told him that if he wanted to follow these uncouth Western traditions that symbolized love and did little except generate employment at Hallmark, he should go to Pakistan. Instead of cowering under his desk to take shelter from my righteous rage, he just laughed at me and walked away.

This confused me. I was clearly missing something. I decided to up the ante. I was at the supermarket and I bumped into a neighbor. We had both reached the billing counter at the same time and he gestured to me to go before him and stood behind me as if we were in a queue. Boiling with rage, I yelled at him. “This is India! We do not form queues. If you want to stand in a queue, go to Pakistan, you sickular dog!” To my satisfaction, he seemed taken aback. “What? What?” he stammered. “Yeah! Go to Pakistan,” I maintained. He seemed confused and moved to another billing counter. I took this as a small victory and went home and celebrated by lighting an agarbatti.

That was the turning point. From then on, things kept getting better and better. Opportunities to thump my 42-inch chest came about regularly (as a side note I have been doing benchpresses every other day but my pectoral volume still evades that magic number of 56—not all are blessed the same way I guess). If I saw a guy holding a girl’s hand while crossing a road, I would lecture them on how they are contributing to the destruction of our cultural fabric. Oh, you’re husband and wife? Don’t care! If I saw a lady wearing jeans and walking alone I would whistle at her (I had bought one—very shrill and loud—for that special purpose). If I saw two men hug each other for longer than 3 seconds, I would separate them and stand in between to prevent any possible corruption of our moral values. I would end every lecture, admonition, or whistle with ‘Go to Pakistan!’.  In short, life was happy and I became a man full of equal parts vim, vigor, and vinegar.

Then this happened. This debate on intolerance. I remember that day clearly. I was engaged in a heated argument with my wife on whether we should continue Sia’s education after Class 4. The TV was on, and Times Now, which is the default channel in our house, showed a plethora of ministers, politicians, and Anupam Khers (he seems to be everywhere at the same time nowadays; there must be more than one of him) discussing the issue of some libtard writers and artists returning their awards to protest against intolerance. First, I was amazed that we had not already taken back these awards. Then, I was even more amazed at the response of our politicians when Arnab Goswami asked in his characteristic soft-spoken fashion, “Is intolerance rising?”. I had expected “Why yes, thank you for noticing. You are too kind”. Instead they strangely did everything they could to deny it.

Then, to top it all, Shah Rukh Khan, that one-man mediocre movie making machine, said he felt that this country is becoming intolerant and someone tweeted at him to go to Pakistan. This was perplexing! I felt it was a terrible use of ‘Go to Pakistan’. Did they mean it in an ironic way? For example, how dare you say we are intolerant! Go to Pakistan!....? Or, did they mean it in a positive way, like when someone shyly accepts good news or a compliment? For example, ‘We are intolerant? No…. Really? You’re so sweet. Go to Pakistan, you adorable little thing…?’

This was where I had the epiphany. Perhaps saying ‘Go to Pakistan’ is not the right approach in these situations. There are several reasons why we should retire it from public discourse altogether:

• Number One: This phrase has become so overused that it has lost its punch. It makes me wonder if some of the people saying this are not secretly being sponsored by the Pakistan Tourism Ministry.
• Number Two: What if all of these libtards took our advice and actually landed up at the Pakistan border en masse? Consider the ramifications. You know the mayhem refugees cause to all nations. The UN would get involved. The US would start taking furtive glances at our oil reserves. China would politely wonder if we are still keen on keeping Arunachal Pradesh. And so on.
• Number Three: Saying ‘Go to Pakistan’ is counter-productive and not really a good argument. Libtards are saying that there is less free speech. They are not complaining that there is too much of it. Telling them to go to Pakistan is contradictory. It kind of proves their point. It is like telling Ahmadiyyas in Pakistan to go to Saudi Arabia. Or, telling bloggers in Saudi Arabia to go to North Korea. Or telling free speech advocates in North Korea to stand in parallel formation in front of a large pit. Do we really want our nation to be in the company of this bunch? Wouldn’t we rather hang out with the likes of Sweden, the sovereign nation equivalent of Sharmaji’s son?
• Number Four: Saying ‘Go to Pakistan’ is a lot like smoking. You feel like you are doing something cool. But everyone around you thinks you’re an idiot. So the next time you feel the temptation to say it, pause and chew some gum.

Don’t get me wrong. I know this article has a sarcastic tone. I am just ranting. I love my country and I want the best for it. And although I dislike people on all sides of these debates equally, it distresses me that we cannot disagree with each other civilly. Perhaps the nature of social media has something to do with it. Typing into a phone or a computer abstracts us from reality. I don’t think we would be this mean to each other face to face.

About the issue itself, I don’t know if we are any more intolerant under this government or not. Intolerance is a feeling, not an incident (although if you are lactose intolerant and have just had a glass of milk, the feeling is quickly followed by an incident). And I have too few interactions with real humans on a daily basis to get an accurate sense of whether this feeling has risen or fallen in the last year or so. However, if you look at the comments section of any news article or even Facebook, there is definitely some polarization. You won’t find people engaging in an open-minded discussion. You will only find libtards and bhakts. People who lean to the extreme left and people who lean to the extreme right. There are very few, if any, congregating at the center. It’s a lonely place to be.